Do married men get a hypothetical free pass?

This question was posed on a football message board. Read the question briefly and then make sure you understand it by summarizing the man’s problem:

My lovely wife and I were watching Mad Men the other evening when she turned to me and asked, “If John Hamm is my free pass, who is yours?” Now after 25 years of marriage I think I know a trap when I see one, so I hesitated and demurred, but then she gave me a hard time about dodging the question. So I ask you, what is the proper response to such a question from one’s wife?

These are some of the answers American men offered. Some are serious and some are jokes. This is authentic language so many will contain real English that you may not know because they don’t teach it in textbooks. Which answer makes sense to you? Which of the joke answers is funniest?

Say her best friend, her sister, or her mom. Pick whichever one you like least because if you’re lucky she may just stop inviting that person over when you’re around.

You should have turned the tables on her and asked her why she felt the need to sleep with anyone else because she is the only one for you. Instead of trapping you, your wife just trapped herself. Tell her, “What do you mean free pass?” Get up, walk away and do the same kind of passive aggressive shit she’d do to you if you’d answered that question until she ends up apologizing to you. Two can play that game.

You’ve been married 25 years and you’re laying “traps” for each other? Sounds like a hell of an institution. Congratulations. Once you marry them, they own you and behave accordingly. Oh well. It’s a pretty transparent scam and anyone who falls for it deserves what he gets.

She went first and said a guy - that is your out. If she said, “honey, who would be your free pass?” that is a trick question. You have to get her choice out there first. That is your ace in the hole if any argument starts over you picking someone.

Haha, you don’t actually think John Hamm would sleep with you, do you?

This shows you how marriage messes guys up. She tells you she wants to nail another guy and you’re worried about offending her?

Say Angelina Jolie and plant the idea of a threesome in your wife’s mind. Straight women even have a strange attraction to her. Get a 3sum fantasy going and then milk it for all it’s worth.

It’s her trying to add some spice to your love life. Just open up and run with it. What’s the worst thing that can happen? Answer it, but in the realm of ludicrousness. Megan Fox is OK, but not that new girl in accounting – she’s too real. It’s just fantasy stuff nothing to be worried about.

If you’re feeling frisky, pretend you’re actually thinking about it and then tell her that since your wife is smoking like Angelina Jolie, you’d use your free pass on someone else. Keep knocking off candidates. Not Scarlett Johannsen, ’cause your wife already gives you that smart and sexy thing. In a few minutes you will be hitting it.

Tell her someone who is already dead - for example Marliyn Monroe. Or pick someone who used to be hot and around your wife’s age like Deborah Harry or Diane Lane.

Honey, I used my pass 25 years ago. Wait, we only get one?

I’d never name a “free pass.” No such thing, even in theory. I know my wife has crushes (Antonio Banderas, Russell Crowe among them), and she knows my “girlfriends” (Penelope Cruz, Michele Pfeiffer). I usually mention that I wouldn’t ever want to sleep with them … too much work. And since that’s believable, I’m all set.

Avoiding hook up culture at US colleges

Interesting article here on the hook up culture on US college campuses. It focuses on a minority of students (according to the article) who have decided to avoid this culture. Many, it seems, are hoping for a return of traditional dating culture.

Americans giving advice on when to ask for another date

Here is another “aritcle” from a football message board to give you an idea of what some Americans think is good dating advice. Some other entries that use the same format:

Should a woman offer to pay?
Ideas for a 3rd date
How to rekindle a relationship

Anyway, the original poster’s question:

Last week I was substitute teaching at the middle school the town over from me and I noticed a good looking girl around my age in the employee break room at lunch. Now, I’m usually a wimp when it comes to approaching chicks but this girl was definitely trying to engage me in conversation. In a rare showing of intestinal fortitude I asked her out at the end of the day. She said yes, we went out on Saturday night and had an awesome time. Ended up hanging out Sunday night and I visited her at her school (Holy Cross) and got dinner Wednesday night. We had plans to have dinner at my new apartment this past Saturday but she came down with a mysterious illness over the weekend.

I talked to her Sunday and she said she wanted to hangout but this week probably wouldn’t work. Basically what I’m asking is how to I play it at this point? This girl is disproportionately better looking than I am so I went with the ’strike while the iron is hot approach’ which definitely backfired. I haven’t heard from her this week and I’m leaning toward going with the indifference card, not contacting her unless she contacts me and resort to a hail Mary call next week if I don’t hear from her. What say you?

Some of the answers:

1. How do you “play it” at this point? Why don’t you just ask her if she’s still interested.

2. Take her to a restaurant and buy her a nice meal. She probably got scared that you were inviting her to your apartment for dinner already after like 1 date. Maybe she’s old fashioned.

3. Don’t be a Tool. Call her, say hi, tell her you liked hanging out with her…ask her out again.

4. It sounds to me like she’s blowing you off but it could just be a bad time, so if you really like her it’s worth another shot. I’d wait the week out before asking her again, just to not be a stalker.

5. Good God, dude, slow down. In the span of a few days, you hung out way too much, you are waaaaay too available to her and she knows it. You went out Saturday night, hung out AGAIN the NEXT day, then drove to her school three days later (at this point, she’s probably already a little weirded out), then you want her at your apt three days later for an intimate dinner.

Way too much, way too soon, way too focused on one female before you really have a clue who she is, etc.

Right now, play the indifference card and let her come to you. NO invites of any kind, DO NOT ask her if she’s still interested.

6. Do not ask her if you should keep calling her, unless you don’t want to hang out with her again. Step on the brakes. Hang back — if she wants to get together with you this week, she’ll reach out to you. If you don’t hear from her after this week, you got the answer you’re looking for. At this point, I’d take her for her word she did get together w/ you 3 times last week. Asking her if she is still interested in you, when nothing apparently went wrong on the 3 dates, is not a good idea.

7. Game Over. “This girl is disproportionately better looking than I am”. If you believe this, you’re wasting your time. Confidence is what attracts women, not looks.

8. You already made the effort to try and hang out this week. At this point I think your best bet is to not call her and lay low. If she was interested, she’ll call you asking where you’ve been in about 2 weeks.

By the way, dinner as a date is bad. Too much eating without talking. Sitting across from someone at a table doesn’t lend itself to physical contact. Should have just gotten drinks, on a weekday. Weekend nights are too valuable, you put her on a pedestal already.

9. So when are you proposing to her? Tuesday?? Yeah, this was an easy one to call. You’re coming off as desperate and she’s reconsidering her initial feelings.

Think of yourself like a stock. You make yourself seem too available and your value plummets. Gotta pump that stock up. And the only way to do that with a girl who won’t be able to see you with other girls, etc. is to give the impression (real or perceived) that you have options/are wanted. All she can glean right now is that you have no plans… ever, and want to spend all your time with her.

She’s backing off… if she hasn’t bailed altogether already. Cool it

10. I think one can be confident without basing it on their looks. I don’t consider myself a good-looking guy, but girls have told me that they’ve liked me who are substantially better looking than I. I’m just confident in other areas, I’d say.

I’d slow it down. I’ve made the same mistake (I still do occasionally). Girls will say that they want a guy who cares for them, is there for them, etc. Bullshit in most cases.

And also, it’s much easier said than done. If you like her, you’ll want to contact her. But I’d lay low for a week or two and then ask again if she doesn’t contact you.

11. Your first problem is that you referred to the woman as a broad.

12. Sounds to me like you’re being a little too pushy and she needs her space.

13. My advice: All women are insecure to a degree, some more so than others. If you act like you don’t give a shit, they become insecure and come after you. If they do not come after you, they are not interested in you. Of course, not all women will react this way, but in my experiences, this is how it works for the majority.

14. Don’t EVER call a girl a broad. If she’s into you, she’ll call. Don’t ever ask if you should stop calling. Stop calling. Saying, “This girl is disproportionately better looking than I am…” tells me you need more confidence.

How do we Find Love? Dating Rituals across the Globe

How does culture affect the way we date? Dating really can have a different meaning depending on where you are – whether it’s an organised and supervised meeting or a frivolous, wine-fuelled meal.

Dating means something different in every culture. Etiquette, expectations, pace and motivations vary hugely from place to place. The Western world, for example, would term the dating rituals of less liberal societies, such as India, Korea and Pakistan as old fashioned and out-dated. But we can only hope that the overall aim is the same: to find love, happiness and eventually a life-long partner.

In most cases, the differences are due to the extent of both religious faith and parental control, which considerably affect the ease around the customs of dating. Arranged marriages, as practiced in India, Pakistan, and parts of Africa mean that the choice of partner has already been made by the couple’s parents, and although some parents allow dating after a decision has been reached, it has a very different emphasis. The couple know that they will marry regardless. In Iran, dating is actually illegal. Families arrange supervised meetings between their marriageable youngsters. These ‘dates’ are yet again different.

America seems to be where the conventional and most widely agreed meaning of the ‘date’ originates. In this more relaxed society it is not surprising that dating customs are far removed from parental control and religious traditions. Many Hollywood movies depict ‘dates’ usually in restaurants or bars with an endless political dispute over who should pay. Dating seems to be a way to test a potential partner before commitment is made and to decide whether they are compatible. The television series Sex and the City often depicted dating as far removed from committed relationships, with lead Carrie dating several men at one time, with some dates even leading to one-night-stands.

In the UK, dating is different again. Asking someone on a date is very rare and people will tend to interact in groups and hide the fact that they like someone until they either summon enough courage, or get drunk enough, to admit it. After that, there are ‘dates’ but the emphasis again becomes different as a lot of the embarrassment of the situation has been diluted by that first moment of intoxication.

The recent rise in popularity of dating online (here’s one such story), however, could mean a reform for the dating culture especially in the UK. Here, instead of meeting people in clubs and bars, situations often fuelled by alcohol; people who are looking to find love and are interested in commitment can find each other without having to wade through the mass of unworthy philanderers. Because nowadays, we really don’t have the time to look!

So, even though dating varies widely across the globe, online dating could be changing the overall emphasis, particularly in Western culture. Finding love could become far easier in every corner of the world…

San Francisco hotels

Where in the world?

The top spots for a romantic getaway

Looking to ignite the spark? Or perhaps even to rekindle the flame? There comes a time in every relationship when it’s necessary to take a break together, perhaps in the form of a romantic weekend, a summer vacation or even a round-the-world jaunt. No matter the means, the end is the same to cement the relationship with the one you love and to enjoy each others company in a destination catered for romance.

Yet where are the coolest picks when it comes to hot holidays with your partner? Here are some suggestions for international favourites.

1. Venice

   The canals, the gondolas, the winding alleyways that greet you with glowing shop windows and more than a fair share of ice-cream! This Italian destination seems to be straight out of a fairytale, and every couple should be caught up in the enchantment at least once in their lifetime. However, avoid as much as possible being caught up in the crowds for Venice in peak season can be a human traffic jam! Combine your romantic Venice break with a discovery tour of northern Italy and pay homage to the ultimate of love stories at the balcony in Verona, famed for being that frequented by the young lovers Romeo and Juliet. Fact or fiction? It doesn’t matter when it comes to luuurrrve!

2. Paris

   A city made for romance, you’ve got it too easy for a romantic break in Paris. Planning on popping the question? Well there’s only one time and place, on an evening bateau-mouche boat ride on the Seine, just as the cruise takes you to your first glimpse of the illuminated Eiffel Tower. C’est la vie à Paris!

3. London

   Love in the British capital isn’t just restricted to an afternoon tea with scones! A visit to London ensures that your holiday will never have a dull moment. Don’t just stick to the permanent collections at the excellent range of national museums, however, as half the fun in London is found with those one-night-only cultural happenings. Street press and information stands at London hotels are indispensable for finding out “what’s on” in London town.

4. Dubrovnik

   A veritable gem on the Adriatic, this southern Croatian city is like something only experienced in day dreams. George Bernard Shaw even went as far to call it ‘paradise on earth’, and for many visitors, this isn’t an exaggeration! Stroll around the narrow streets and graceful squares all enclosed by the stone walls of the old city, catch a glimpse of the crystal-blue sea waters from the ramparts or rocky beaches=85 in short, bliss!

5. San Francisco

   If you’re going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair. The fabled capital of free love back in the hippy era, San Francisco has a whole lot to offer young couples looking for an enjoyable weekend away or vacation. As cool and happening as it is liberal and open-minded, the city is a choice destination with many San Francisco hotels catering packages especially for the romantic getaway market.

6. Tokyo

   Although the Japanese capital isn’t necessarily synonymous with an intimate holiday, you might be surprised to learn that the annual turnover of the love hotel industry is double that of Japan’s anime market, so we’re talking big figures here! For those who aren’t acquainted, love hotels provide a discreet option for couples requiring a room for anywhere from a few hours to luxurious overnight stays. Strange but true!

Need Ideas for a Third Date

Question: Ok, quick background…

Girl I knew from college (but wasn’t really friends with) sends me a message on Facebook that she wants to hang out and grab a drink sometime. So I tell her to meet me at a bar last Thursday. Conversation is great, she’s funny, we have similar interests, etc. However, didn’t I get a good sense if there’s any romantic interest. We say our goodnights.

I wait until Sunday afternoon and call her. I tell her that I’m going to take her out to dinner Friday (yesterday) night. She agrees, so we go to this expensive Italian restaurant. Same thing, conversation is great, she doesn’t have any problem opening up about herself, etc. I pay for everything. However, I still have no clue if there’s any physical attraction on her part. I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek, but didn’t really get a sense that I would have been ok in making a real move.

So anyway, I wait a couple of hours and send her a text saying “Hey I had a great time. Look forward to doing something again soon.” She responds “I had a lot of fun too. Thank you so, so much. I’m sure I’ll talk to you soon. Night!”

So, the door is still open, but I still have no sense of where I stand. I’m thinking I need to step it up on the third date and then go for broke. Any ideas on what to do? Going to see a show is nice, but there’s no room for conversation. Any ideas? I’m not a super-creative person.

Also, Valentine’s Day is coming up. Too soon to send her flowers at work or something like that?

Answer 1: Slow down for a second. She initiated contact via facebook, which is a great sign, BUT if you’re not feeling any real sexual heat from her on a date, that’s a not such a good sign. However, I suspect you’re waiting for her to initiate that as well, and she probably won’t if she’s somewhat old-fashioned.

Stick to drinks, avoid expensive dinners for awhile; let her prove to you she deserves that. And when you’re out together, touch her … gentle hand on the small of her back, for example. If she returns the touch in some way, good sign. You have to make the move for a legit kiss, none of this on the cheek stuff. The kiss is what will tell you yay or nay, step up. And, if you don’t make a move on the 3rd date, you’re going to be stuck in the “Friend Zone” for good …

One other thing. NO TEXTS two hours after you just dropped her off the same night!! Cripes, let some anticipation build up, give the girl a chance to miss your presence.

Answer 2: the key is it’s something different that most men do. More than likely the girl has not had a guy take her to do something like ice skating, bowling, or going to a museum, or take her to go play laser tag (someone suggested this to me). More than likely, doing fun things like this (k, museum might be ‘fun’) already puts you ahead most of the guys she’s probably dated or might be seeing presently. You’re being different and unpredictable, a very good thing.

Answer 3: the fact that Valentine’s is a week away sucks because it’s awkward timing. You haven’t been out with her long enough (and you don’t know where you stand) to send her flowers or whatever. And if she’s psycho and/or old-fashioned she might get offended if you get her nothing. Tough spot.

Answer 4: Wait a few days. Call her up and say “Choose one, A or B”. She picks one, and you just respond “Ok, see you Friday”. Never tell her what you’re doing. Even play around with it a little and say like “You sure you wanna choose that one? Ok….”

I’m thinking bowling might be the way to go.

NO flowers … you don’t know where you stand with this girl, and a friendship with no legit intimacy doesn’t call for flowers. I guarantee you if you send her flowers on 2/14 given where things stand right now, she’ll run for the hills.

Answer 5: NOTHING beats dinner in, chez vous, followed by a great classic flick on the DVR. Providing your place isn’t a frat-like bachelor pad…

If you can cook, cook for her and have a great bottle of vino. Red or white, whatever she prefers. Write me back if you need wine help or food ideas, I am expert at that having benn 1st a chef (French,Italian)and currently a winemaker. If you can’t cook but know what she likes, pick stuff up from Zabar’s, g-d forbid don’tserve it out of the box but have nice plates and stemware set up for the wine, and flowers on the table - red or deep orange roses are good.

As for the flick, chose a GREAT classic, Elmer Gantry comes to mind but there are innumerable suitable choices, something that suits your common interests is good but just being a great flick is even more important.

Before you bother planning this you make sure she is interested:
Ring Ring Ring
“Hello”
“Hi. Was wondering if you would be interested in dinner and a movie at my place. Something romantic.”
“Sure, I’d love to” (or “Oh… I can’t…. my aunt Gladys is coming in from southern Jabeep”)

Should a woman offer to pay?

Here are some interesting excerpts from an online conversation (from a New York Giants football message board):

Question: Hey guys. Over the last month I’ve been seeing a girl who I met through a mutual friend and it’s been going really, really well. After a week of hanging out with her and our mutual friend(s) I actually asked her out just me and her and we’ve gone out 5 times in 3 weeks, each time getting better and better. Obviously, there’s always (on some level) that apprehensiveness in the beginning, but we’ve gotten a lot more comfortable with each other and the dates kept getting better. I really mean all of this. Every second we spend together we’re laughing and have interesting things to do and talk about.

Here’s my question though. It’s been 5 dates — 5 expensive dates. I’m talking really nice restaurants, most of which in Manhattan, than in the bar running up a pretty sizable tab for two people on a couple of the nights. As good as everything’s been, she hasn’t once even offered to put a dime into the evenings. I’m not cheap I promise. I happily paid over 150 bucks total for date one. A little less than that for dates two and three, but by the 4th, 5th, and now what’s going to be a 6th time going out together, I’m getting a little sick of dropping that kind of money.

It’s not that I don’t have it to do, and it’s not that I object at all to little things like just a dinner and maybe a bite to eat at a diner, but we just keep finding fun things to do lately. The check comes at the end of everything and she doesn’t even consider saying “let me get this one” or “Alright fine but this is the last time, and I’m getting the drinks. I’ve even been paying for the train tickets into the city.

Am I getting played here? I’m starting to think I am and maybe she’s just pretty good at this kind of thing. I asked her to a movie tonight and she was excited and said sure, so that’s a good sign I guess, but even with that I doubt she’d throw in anything. All and all, I’m a little under 850 bucks invested into this relationship and she’s spent I think 99c on a pack of gum for herself (she did give me a piece).

I want to stress how great we get along and how much we have in common, but is it normal for two people who have gone out a half dozen times and spent some time together before that, for the guy to be paying the entire bill every time? If it is normal I’ll suck it up… I just want to know if I’m being played here.

Answer 1: I always pay just because its the gentlemanly thing to do. However usually the girl will at least offer to chip in or help out, especially when it gets really expensive. Obviously I dont know in your situation, but it might be something to worry about. I don’t think you’re totally off base with this.

Answer 2: I’ve found it to be very beneficial NOT offering to pay for anything of hers in the beginning when going on dates.

Answer 3: If you ask a chick out, you should pay for everything. Don’t be a cheap ass.

Answer 4: I’ll pay if it’s necessary (she can’t), otherwise, I’ve learned it sends the wrong message, namely, Can I buy you things in exchange for sex? I used to always offer to pay for any and everything. No more.

Answer 5: She should offer but a lot of girls are traditional like that. To be perfectly frank, you’re the one being a douche here. You dont have to go to nice restaurants all the time! Insecure guys do that.

Answer 6: An offer to help pay should have been made by now. I usually keep the dates a bit more sensible at the beginning because if you go top shelf from day one they will expect top shelf going forward. Move forward, but be cautious and be aware that she may be looking for just a good time and you are offering that up.

Answer 7: If you’re in her pants why keep blowing big cash? You shouldn’t have done that right off the bat, because she’s playing you for your wallet. But, if you’re hitting it then there’s your tradeoff. “It’s going really well” has to be qualified by the dude, and whether he really understands women or not.

Answer 8: IS your issue that she isn’t at least offering to pay, or that she isn’t actually paying? If it’s the former, I agree that it says a lot about her. Usually at this stage of a dating relationship it is not unreasonable that a girl will offer, even if it’s an empty offer.

However, if it’s the latter, then I think you are expecting something that doesn’t normally occur. Especially early on in a relationship, if you are asking the girl out you are paying and that is what is generally expected.

You can broach this tactfully, though, if money is an issue. You can simply tell her you really enjoy her company and you want to continue getting together. But, every date can’t be as elaborate with the current state of teh economy, etc.

Answer 9: Get some chinese delivery for $20, pop open a $10 bottle of wine and you hvae a bed close by. You’ve set the bar high on these first 6 dates. Time to scale it down and re-set expectations.

Answer 10: It’s weird that she hasn’t offered to chip in once. That being said, I would still expect to pay for a girl 9 times out of 10. Just the way the dating world works. You said you enjoy getting served at nice NYC restaurants. Who doesn’t? But it’s a luxury you and I can’t really afford regularly. I think what you need to do is scale down your dates. There’s a lot you can do for a lot less money. From the sound of it, it sounds like you guys have good chemistry, so I’d say the setting doesn’t matter as much as you think it does.

Answer 11: Very bad sign that she hasn’t offered to pay at least once. not a deal-breaker, but a bad sign. I would test her. this is what you do:

go to a restaurant without her once and befriend a waiter/waitress and explain that you’re going to bring in this girl that you’re unsure about and you want to test her. it would help if this is a waiter (guy) who can sympathize with your plight. plan to bring her in on a night when this same guy is working and you’ll put your plan into action.

Arrange it so that he will bring the check to your table while you are in the bathroom. however, instruct him to place the check on HER side of the table, facing HER. then ask him to see what she does while you’re not there. If she doesn’t open it and just pushes it across the table for you to take care of, then she’s a gold-digging whore and there’s no future to speak of.

Answer 12: There’s no harm in talking to her about it. the trick is to find a way to bring it up that doesn’t make you sound cheap or selfish and doesn’t make her feel self-conscious. something like “hey, i’m more than happy to keep seeing you, but i’m a little concerned that i’m being played here. how about this- next time, you invite me and i’ll go wherever you take me.” see how she reacts. if she takes you out (doesn’t matter whether expensive or not), you’ll know she digs you. if she doesn’t, you may have been played. it may be that she lacks the funds, and you can tactfully inquire about that too…but only if she agrees to take you on that next date (you can even offer to pay for it once you see that her interest in you is legit).

Answer 13: If this girl genuinely likes to be with you, then don’t feel at all hesitant to ask her to pay for her share, I mean shit if your spending hundreds of $ going out and your not even a couple she should be paying her way. I was in a similar situation, I’ve been seeing this Girl for about 4 months now and when we first started going out I’d usually pay for everything, not that I would go to really pricey places though, pretty much BK, and shit. Anyway after a month she started to feel kinda bad because she didn’t really want to be in a relationship and felt she was using me, so she pays for everything that she get’s when we go out.

So I guess it comes down for you finding out whether or not she genuinely likes you, or is using you. I think you should start doing things that don’t cost much, that are still fun(watch movies at home, do outdoor things, eat at less expensive places). you shouldn’t feel like you have to entertain her. If she only likes to do expensive things chances are she is totally using you.

Answer 14: I did what I wanted and went where I wanted and with whoever was smart enough to go. Spent what it took to please me. She appreciated it or didn’t. I never attributed money or expected anything for money and never let it enter the equation of what I thought about her. Dropped money oriented people fast and compeltely and moved on quickly. Not part of the calculus in any relationship I was interested in. Went out for less than $10 when I did not have money, spent a fortune when I did. I always thought I spent it on me…not her.

Answer 15: Don’t get her in the habit of expecting expensive dates all the time. If she’s really into you, she’ll appreciate just hanging out for a slice of pizza just as much as she would for a steak dinner. As for who pays, if you’ve been doing the asking, then it’s not unreasonable for her to expect you to pay. When I was dating my husband, if he asked me out, he paid and I never offered. But what I did to “reciprocate” was offer to make him home cooked meals or I’d ask him out to events at which point I’d pay (or try to — he would never let me).

Answer 16: If you’ve slept with her, start going to cheaper places.

Answer 17: You ask a woman out, you pay. That’s how it goes. Then, you decide that you’re ‘dating’, and you’re an ‘item’, and you pay. Then, you fall in love…talk about the future….get engaged. And once again, you pay.

You see, at this point, you’re really renting…but you’re paying none-the-less. Here’s where things change. You decide to get married. NOW…not only are you paying, you’ll be expected to pay…forever. Even if you divorce, kids or no kids, you’re paying. You will always pay. I suppose that you can call this getting “played”, but the facts are facts. You will ALWAYS pay in one form or another.

Answer 18: Be a MAN. 5 dates in 3 weeks, you are already in her pants, you are making the decisions on where to go and now you want her to pay. How do you look in a mirror? That means resolve this how you want. If it bothers you, spend less, if it doesn’t, don’t change your habits. Stop worrying about why she does what she does, and do what you want.

Throw shoes at George W. Bush, get offered a wife

Reported in the December 19th Calgary Sun

CAIRO — An Egyptian man said he was offering his 20-year-old daughter in marriage to Iraqi journalist Muntazer al-Zaidi, who threw his shoes at U.S. President George W. Bush in Baghdad on Sunday. The daughter, Amal Saad Gumaa, said she agreed with the idea. “This is something that would honour me. I would like to live in Iraq, especially if I were attached to this hero,” she said.

I’m not sure that this represents a cultural theme or not. Does anyone?

Online dating is US popular culture

If popular culture is defined by mass media as Wikipedia claims, than an investigation of US movies and how the subject of online dating is portrayed ought to reveal something about online dating in American pop culture.

Online dating sites all have a terms or service that must be agreed to and one of the universal requirements is that you only place ads for yourself. Certainly, this is the case with all of the US dating sites I have investigated.

However in some recent Hollywood movies we see the rules being broken. Because I Said So (2007) is an interesting one because it features a mother placing on online ad interviewing men on behalf of her daughter.

In Must Love Dogs (2005) Carol places an ad for her sister, Sarah. This film explores some of the fears modern society has when it comes to online dating – as Sarah goes to meet her first date, she finds her father waiting. The next several dates also go poorly until she meets Jake.

Interestingly, Jake was pushed into meeting Sarah (someone else arranged the date). Their first meeting is awkward for several reasons (including that they both feel awkward for having met online). Eventually, Jake and Sarah do end up together, but at the end of the movie they say that they met at a dog park (rather than an internet dating site).

These two movies portray online dating as an accepted part of US culture. They acknowledge that many people feel apprehensive about online dating (thus the need for outside help) but ultimately US pop culture is showing us online dating success stories. Even the failures (for example in Must Love Dogs a teenage boy mistakes Dolly’s 61 years old for 16 and shows up at her house proclaiming his love) are seen as comic moments rather than serious hardships.

Can we learn something about dating in LA from a TV show?

Brad Garrett on a relaity TV dating show…


From Crackle: Dating Brad Garrett: Why Date Him?

I hope I’m wrong, but I don’t have much faith in a TV show trying to show us something real about dating culture.

More Korean men experiencing intercultural marriages

I just read about international marriages in Korea, particularly between Korean men and women from Vietnam, China, the Philippines, Mongolia, Thailand, Russia, Uzbekistan.

In my Korean language class, offered free by the government, there are 7 housewives, me, and a Canadian man. 2 of the women come from the Philippines, 3 are from Vietnam, 1 is from Uzbekistan, and 1 is from Kazakhstan.

In some rural towns in Korea, where population decline is a problem, the local government helps pay for men to fo on marriage tours because the women they bring back and the babies they will produce help the town.

There is some controversy over how the women are sometimes treated by their Korean husbands.

Study on Successful Cross-national Couples

If you or anyone you know is in a cross-national couple and if you/they can answer “yes” to all of the questions noted below, I invite you/them to participate in this study:

- Can you read and understand the English language?
- Can you write your answers in one of the following languages: English, French, Spanish, or Portuguese?
- Are you over 18?
- Are you and your current partner of different countries of origin?
- Have you been living together full-time for at least one year?
- Do you consider yourself to be in a mutually satisfying, stable, long-term, “successful” relationship?
- Are you interested in anonymously sharing your experiences in order to help others understand the challenges and the joys that you have encountered in your relationship?
- Are you willing to dedicate about 30 minutes to participate?
- Can you guarantee that both members of your couple will participate in the study, each answering his/her own identical yet confidential questionnaire?

Please note: Non-US-nationals, unmarried, and same-sex couples are especially encouraged to participate, as there exists little data on these populations.

Close Date: Participant questionnaires will be accepted from now until June 25, 2007. The earlier they are submitted the better!

Just click on the link below or cut and paste the link into your browser to learn more information about the study and to get started:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=0XD84jpwbTKPgim0l4roEg_3d_3d

Dirty dancing in American high schools

American high schools (and middle schools as well) routinely have school dances (typically one each month), including some evry important ones like Homecoming and the prom.

Recently some schools have been cancelling the dances because students are “freak dancing” or “grinding” where the female dancer’s buttocks press against the male dancer’s groin.

People in some cultures find it interesting that American public schools even have dances for the students. In Korea, for example, students don’t have school dances. It appears that because of their desire for sexual contact during school dances, many American students will no longer have school dances.

The Sleeping Dictionary

Jessica Alba plays a half  Iban / half British woman, while Hugh Dancy plays a young Englishman. The two fall in love but their respective cultures will not allow them to marry. It’s interesting how many movies about intercultural relationships explore the ‘forbidden love’ angle as The Sleeping Dictionary Does. Interesting cultural differences between the two lovers are not mcuh of an issue.

The setting of Sarawak, Malaysia in 1937 and the British Colonialists is not entirely accurate but the story is compelling. In addition, Jessica Alba is not from anywhere near Borneo but some suspension of disbelief is needed for any film. My only real complaint is the extended sex scene which seems fairly pointless after the first minute or so.

This movie never hit the theaters but The Sleeping Dictionary did winning four DVD Exclusive Awards in 2003: Best Actress Jessica Alba, Best Cinematography by Martin Fuhrer, Best Supporting Actor Bob Hoskins, and Best Supporting Actress Brenda Blethyn.

American man trying to rekindle relationship with Korean American ex-girlfriend

Here’s an interesting thread from a football message board. As far as I can tell, all the participants are male.

Doug: Before I begin I need to give all of the background facts because this is a very complicated situation. It’s best to start with my last girlfriend. I started dating my previous girlfriend my sophomore year of high school up to the summer before I left for college. She was a year behind so I decided to spend that year in San Antonio going to UTSA after which I would transfer to Texas.

Well as fate would have it we broke up about two weeks before class started and obviously I was very hurt since it was my first breakup. Now every single one of my good friends left San Antonio and I am a shy person so I basically was completely alone while I was dealing with this breakup. I ended up staying home all the time except for class and I found ways to keep myself from going crazy by playing games online. It eventually got to the point where I did not even want to go out anymore and was content with where I was.

In November I met my last girlfriend whom I dated for two and a half years. I was still in the mindset of staying home all the time and having a girlfriend made it that much easier for me. As time went on, this problem became worse and worse. I stopped caring about just about everything including school. It got to the point where this last semester I would not go out even if my girlfriend was throwing a party. I went out maybe once a week and that would be for dinner with my girlfriend, lets call her S. So obviously S could not take it and she broke up with my in April.

Now even though I was in this state, I did always treat S well. I would spoil her and do almost everything I could to make her happy, except go out. I would also like to remind you that she is from a Korean family where tradition if important. For example they really want her to marry a Korean if possible and she isn’t to have sex before she is married. Well the second part did not happen LOL.

So we broke up and for me I hit rock bottom. Even though it was about a month and a half ago, I have completely changed my life around and started doing all the things I used to do like work out, party, read, never watch TV, and all of that.

Now this is where the problem starts. Last Saturday S called so that we could exchange some of the stuff we still had of each others like she had my camera and I had her sunglasses and key. When we started talking she was obviously sad about something. I talked to her about it and she was telling me she was having guy problems. For example, she had/has a crush on this guy named Lee and they went to a formal a while ago. After the formal they were in the car and he said something like, “I’m sorry I’m taking this so slow” meaning the relationship. S then says, “That’s ok I like where we are.” meaning it is ok that they are taking it slow but he took it another way and hasn’t talked to her since.
She also has another guy she has been talking to for about a week and she has a crush on him as well as he likes her. The problem there is he has a girlfriend up in Dallas and they were talking about getting married so obviously she is trying to back out. The point is she was sad about her situation.

After we talked about this I wanted to make her feel better so I went over to her place to exchange the stuff and we started talking about how we’ve been. I convince her to come to my apartment because since she left I changed a lot of things and I wanted her opinion. She was telling me how stressed she was so I started giving her a massage and things went from there as in we ended up having sex.

Afterwards she kept saying how she could not be with me again because she went through so much when we were together and after we broke up. I understood that because when we broke up she told me that if we were ever to get back together it would have to take a long time because she needed to see that I am not the same person I was when we dated which I am not.

So afterwards we talk more and I tell her that I’m looking for a church and she invited me to go to a Korean church with her on Sunday which did not end up happening because we both were up late at different parties. Then I tell her that if she wanted I will go dancing with her and she invited me to go with her next Saturday after her last final.

So I drove her home afterwards and we ended up doing our own thing. I saw her again on Sunday night when a friend of mine gave me some brownies from his work and I thought S would enjoy them as a study break so I brought them over to her at the university. Then on Monday I wanted to give her a nice meal so I cooked her favorite meal at her house and made a very romantic setting.

Now my question is, what should I be doing? I obviously still care for her a lot and want her back but I do not want to be so aggressive that I push her away. What kind of balance should I be looking for? I also think it’s important to know that when we did break up she told me that because of the type of person I was she did not love me anymore, but obviously we would not have hooked up on Saturday if there weren’t any feelings left.

As for me, I have made the changes in my life to not revert back to who I was. I have gone out almost every night with friends since the break up, starting working out again, as well as I have become more motivated then ever to be a doctor. All of this was started by the breakup but it is not because of the breakup. I actually took the breakup really well and really did not feel really hurt except for my ego. This all came about after seeing her on Saturday.

Thanks for reading through and please feel free to share your thoughts. I can use all the advice I can get right now.

BTW - I did talk to all of my friends but they have never been in a situation like this before.

The replies were pretty interesting with some suggesting total honesty, some suggesting more sex, and some suggesting that the ex-girlfriend was nothing but trouble.

Don: Get her drunk, take her home, and nail her. Friend-type awkwardness will be replaced by a whole new breed of awkwardness.

John: If she is already viewing you as a “friend” and talking to you about other dudes, you are probably already past the point of no return, where you have little to no shot with her. Start dating other women and make sure she’s knows about them, that’s your best shot.

Peter: Very simple: Put your best foot forward and if she likes what she sees, she’ll give it another chance. If not, it was never meant to be. It’s easy to say but hard to do but that is usually the bottom line in any relationship. Good luck amigo

Clams: Dude, stop being such a sap and forget about this rocky relationship, because it sounds like it will never work. You’re her beackup plan….stupid! Deal with it get over it and get out there and party. These are supposed to be the best years of your life….stop wasting your freakin time pining away after your high school sweetheart. Reality check…..helllooooooo….SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!!

Mighty: You are already back in there. Just keep doing what you are doing. Go out somewhere with her at least twice a week and do other things with friends and casually mention some of those things to show you are over that hermit stage. Find a way to bring out that you are working harder with your goal of being a doctor. And most importantly keep banging it out.

Life: Be careful. I mean the real question is what do you want - having your cake and eating it too is not the answer. If you want to go out with her, then follow through on that path. If you want to be freinds, then you can’t sleep with her - it is okay for dudes, but for most women (regardless of what they say), they get attached once they sleep with someone.

It sounds to me that this relationships is comfortable and you are still looking for something else when you go with her. You are more motivated for your career and your buddies when not going out with her. I just think you are not ready for a serious relationship and if you were, then you wouldn’t be having all of these questions. Last point - you can only go to the “freind who happens to be a sleeping buddy” well so many times - take it from me - it will eventually blow up on you and create resentment.

Lawyer: Here is the deal, you can’t worry about “staying friends” with girls you “like”. Its contrary to what most people think, but becoming “friends” with a girl is NOT A GOOD WAY TO BOINK HER. Becoming “friendly” with a girl can be a nice step towards that, since you demonstrate that you are interesting, funny, and charming. But once you get to the “sharing feelings” stage, it’s too late to be the “friend”. I don’t want to say you can NEVER segue from friend to boinker, but its rare and generally fails. That said, if you really want to give it a try, give it a try. Tell her you think you’re the right guy for her, and invite her out to a nice restaurant. But you can’t be worried about screwing up your friendship in that case. In fact, your friendship is already screwed up (you want to boink her) so you’re better off putting that out in the open.

J: you could just tell her how you feel. Explain that when you were dating you were going through a rough patch. Tell her you have since straightened yourself out and now realize what a good thing you passed on. Tell her you owe it to yourselves to give it another try. Being straight forward is the best way to go about these things.

Don: Just keep nailing her as much as you can. This is obviously not going to work out in the long run. So try to do some dirty stuff with her. Try to do the types of things that you would not want to do with your future wife.

Jimmy: If your going to be girlfriend/boyfriend that’s fine. Being friends, with former girlfriends is not good. I went down that road a few years ago and looking back, the best thing that happened for me was her moving away.

SEC: John is right. She’ll string you along as long as it takes because she is a girl that desperately needs attention. Some women are like that, they constantly need people around them fawning over them. Move on, find yourself another MaryJane Rottencrotch and S will be all over you like stink on a monkey. The more nice things you do for her and the more devoted you get the less she will do in return. She will do just enough to keep you guessing and more importantly keep you around.

Hassan: Strong advice. This gal is acting confused. What she SAYS means little. She did hook up with you. So what I would do if I was you: go out, meet other girls, and ignore her. Wait for her to call you next. You are squarely plan B right now. Quite frankly, its disrespectful of her to bring up other guys she likes. She also knows she’s got you in her back pocket. The only way to change all that is to send her the signal you are not going to put up with it. And, DON’T discuss other guys with her.

SEC said it best. Its a classic string along, nice gestures will accomplish the exact OPPOSITE of what you want to do.

John: Bingo. What a woman SAYS means nothing. Her ACTIONS are the proof. Sleeping with you, unfortunately, is another act of confusion on her part. STOP being overly nice to this girl, it rarely ever brings a man what he wants with a woman. She’s going to give you the boot as soon as she finds the next guy, and he will be along soon.

Hassan: And finally, having been there myself, this girl does not sound worthy of your attention. Anyone who strings you along is pretty self-centered, seems like that may be the case here. Once you break up, no friendship. And a decent girl won’t break up with you then keep trying to get your attention afterwards.
 
Blue: Her parents want her to marry a Korean. Even if things work out (marriage), they won’t work out. Plus, you report she has already had other guy problems, you are soon to be another guy problem. You are obviously young, time to move on.

An American man needs help buying an engagement ring for his Filipino girlfriend

Here’s an interesting conversation from an online message board. An American man is getting ready to ask his Filipino girlfriend to marry him and needs advice about what kind of diamond ring he should buy. In America, we call this an engagement ring.

 This conversation shows some interesting aspects of American culture and how Americans perceive Filipino culture. 

Matt: I need some advice on finding an engagement ring. I know absolutely nothing about rings and she seems to have VERY definitive tastes. We have watched several TV shows/movies where a woman receives an engagement ring and my girlfriend says, “Yuk, that ring is so ugly.” Meanwhile I have absolutely no idea why and am terrified of getting a ring that she hates.

I can’t ask her for advice beforehand as she kills me on my lack of spontaneity on gifts since I usually just ask her what she wants.

Dave: talk to her best friend or sister.

Matt: I thought about that. I think her best friend in DC might be a good one to ask for advice…

Paul: Yeah, see what her sister and or best friend got and go a little bigger.

Matt: I know jack about styles or even jewelers… Any help would be appreciated.

Paul: Maybe ask her mother.

Rob: Ask her in round about ways and not at the same time what kind of cut on the diamond she would like. For example would she like a princess or emerald cut. Then you need to ask about the setting. Does she prefer platinum, gold or white gold? Personally, I would go with the platinum. The spontaneous part is when you decide to give it to her. Look, you are going to invest some serious coin in a ring. Its better to get her what she wants if you can afford it, because the consequences are worse if you get her a ring she does not like. It’s better to listen to her complain about too little spontaneity than to buy a ring she doesn’t like.

John: First…congrats. Second…why hasn’t she felt obliged to give you something that demonstrates her desired commitment? This one-sided sexist crap drives me nuts.
In the increasing woman’s world we live in, I think it is high time that we get the engagement gift. After all, isn’t getting our avowed monogamy enough?
Women, can’t live with them, pass the beer nuts.

Jason: Get zirconia. What is she gonna do, appraise it? Take the savings with you on your bachelor party trip to Vegas.

Matt: Thank Rob. Good advice. I have no clue how I am gonna ask her… heard lots of “sweet and thoughtful” stories about how guys popped the question… I like the beer nuts idea, but it might get me in trouble.
Guess I would love to just surprise her with something great. If I ask her, she will be expecting it. Ideally, I wanna get her something soon… She just turned 30 which is like 92 in most Asian cultures, so her parents are really giving her a hard time.

John: Avoid trendy settings. The size and quality of the stone you choose will depend on your budget, but the one thing I would do is avoid trendy cuts and especially trendy settings. Think timeless, something she will not want to replace when it goes out of style in 5 years. Do your research and avoid places like Tiffany’s where you’ll pay a very very big premium for the pretty little Tiffany blue boxes.

Rob: I proposed on a beach in Thailand. She dug it big time. Then we spent 3 months trying on diamond rings because there were, apparently, occlusions in the stone I had picked. Ya, good times.
 
Matt: I am looking for simple yet elegant.

Jason: A rule of thumb is three months salary…

Aaron: I bet you change your oil every 3000 miles, too. 3 months? Please.

Ian: I don’t think I followed the formula myself when I got engaged. My wife wasn’t picky about the ring, she was happy to be getting me. (gulp)

Chris: That 2 or 3 months salary rule is just a lot of marketing BS made up by DeBeers about 15 years ago. It is not a standard, just what a company that owns a majority share of the diamond market is telling you to spend.

Alan: my best advice would be don’t plan on doing anything expensive again for a while.. When I proposed to my wife, (girlfriend of 5 years). I was this close..(fingers about a half a centimeter apart) from buying a new Chrysler 300 C. I bought the ring instead. She is very happy. And I’m still waiting on the Chrysler. Happy wife, happy life. Good luck.

Danny: I had to laugh at your Asian line about 30 being like 92. Same boat here, my girlfriend is Filipino… Lets just say I can relate to you ;). Good luck.

Matt: My girl is Filipino as well… Spent Christmas in Manila and New Year’s in Boracay… Can’t tell you how many marriage questions we fielded… It was pretty comical how forward people were about their opinions on our wedding date.
 
Peter: Spend just one evening watching a jewelry channel (with her) where they auction the stuff. Saturday night there is a higher end show out of California (Fine Art Treasures) that will give you a real good idea about value. You will see that what is appraised at $20,000 can be had for 1/10th the price via these shows. Retail stinks. However, you could go shopping with her to get an idea of what she likes as far as cuts, style, solitaire, round or little diamonds. Is she simple, fancy, etc.? Once you get that idea then go online at a reputable place or go to the shopping channels for deals. Remember to get her ring size (from her mom).

Thai marriage and wedding ceremony experience

On November 21, 2004 I married my Thai sweetheart, Nat. Despite our cultural differences, I am an American who grew up in the South; we found it easy to be with each other. We were both older though she was 15 years my junior. She had never married. I was divorced with an adult daughter and grandchildren. She is Buddhist. I am Catholic though not practicing. I am Caucasian. She is Asian. We are both vegetarian though for different reasons. I had spent almost a year in Thailand in 2001-2. I knew a little about her culture.  She had never traveled outside Thailand.

We met online, a taboo which is a fast fading in Thailand. The vegetarian diet was our initial common interest. We soon found that despite the differences in our religion and culture we had common ground on a variety of issues. We both like children. She was a language teacher in an elementary school and would often use a portion of her small salary to buy meals for poor children who had no lunch. When I practiced homecare nursing I would buy food for needy clients who had none. While a certain level of material possessions are desirable, we can both be happy with a modest existence. She taught me about Buddhism. I taught her about Catholicism. While we still have our own beliefs, we respect the beliefs of the other.

Being separated half a world apart during the early phase of our romance was probably good.  It allowed us time to know one another. We sent emails and talked using a phone card several times a week. I finally met Nat for the first time in April 2004 during the Thai Buddhist Songkran Festival. On this trip she was not allowed to meet me at the airport in Bangkok. Since my flight got in at midnight local time it would be another day before I would finally see her in person. I arrived in Chiang Mai the next afternoon. It was the beginning of Songkran.

 Songkran marks the Thai Buddhist New Year. A national holiday, Songkran is probably the world’s biggest water fight. For several days most of the country stops work. During the heat of the day merry makers throughout the country throw water at one another. The water symbolizes the washing away of bad luck. There are private ceremonies at home where children pour saffron water over the hands of their elders. We followed tradition and performed the ceremony for her mother and grandmother.

During the next two weeks we were inseparable. We toured Chiang Mai. I made videos of the Songkran parade and the old city walls. We visited the OTOP market where I admired the wood carvings and other crafts sold by the local merchants. We also visited several temples including the beautiful temple on the mountain overlooking Chiang Mai. It was there I finally had the nerve to ask her mother for permission to marry. Her mother agreed if I agreed to follow Thai marriage tradition.

In most of Thailand, the groom is expected to give dowry money to the bride’s parents. In my wife’s case her father was deceased and it was Nat’s mother and one of her older brothers I negotiated with. After the ceremony, the bride’s parents usually but not always give half the money back to the newly wed couple. The groom is also expected to buy gold jewelry for the bride. It’s not just one ring set but rings, a bracelet, necklace and ear rings. They must be of nearly pure gold. The gold of my wedding band is much softer than the alloyed gold in the US because of this degree of purity.

After the two weeks had ended I returned to my home in Florida. On the return trip Nat was allowed to accompany me to Bangkok to see me off. But, we had to bring an older relative to act as chaperone.  Even though Nat was in her mid thirties at the time, the relative was required. She gave me a tearful goodbye and I returned to the US.

For the next several months we talked daily by telephone. Phone cards are truly a wonderful invention! As the date approached I had the nervous flutters one would expect of someone going half way around the world to marry into a different culture. The flight across the Pacific was uneventful. This time Nat was allowed to meet me when the plane arrived at midnight. But again, we had the chaperone.

When we arrived in Chiang Mai the next day I met relatives who had begun arriving from several provinces and Malaysia. Unfortunately my father was in poor health and my parents were unable to attend. A relative from Malaysia acted as the family spokesman. She spoke flawless English. My wife is of Chinese ancestry and I discovered additional requirements that had not been mentioned previously. It from our Malaysian relative I would learn of the additional requirements. I was to buy a new suit, new shoes. I was told if we were to buy a house I would need to buy new furniture. It was quite a shopping list. Since we were renting I had to buy linens, a new rice cooker and new dishes.  I was grilled about our plans and my fitness as a husband. At times it felt like the Spanish inquisition.

When the day of the wedding arrived we went to a temple early in the morning with gifts of food for the monks. Later that day we went to Holy House, the temple of the Maitreya Buddhist sect of which Nat and her mother are members. Maitreya Buddha is usually known in the west as Happy Buddha. It was there the first ceremony was performed. This ceremony was in Chinese. The physical activity, the kneeling, standing and kneeling again in rapid succession was physically taxing since I was not used to the ceremony.  After this we returned to my Nat’s mother’s home.

In the early afternoon we went to this beautiful antique Thai building. In the evening it was a restaurant. The next two ceremonies would take place at this location. The building must have been an old meeting house. It was massive. It was originally in another location. They disassembled it, moved it into Chiang Mai and rebuilt it in the present location. It was made of hand hewn teak. Some of the boards of the second floor were eighteen inches wide. Teak logs two feet in diameter formed the frame. The roof was made of tile. The tiles were laid like shingles though they were not attached by fasteners. I dressed in a Thai costume that was provided by the owner of the restaurant.

At the appointed time I was escorted to a 1939 Morris convertible parked nearby. One of my wife’s relatives and her Canadian husband were escorted to pony drawn coach. They would follow me in the procession. The crowd of guests gathered and the procession began. Cries from the guests who would accompany me to the building pierced the air. Two of the women in the parade carried symbolic plants; sugarcane and a small banana tree. Our parade noisily made its way a half block to the building with the crowd crying out and small gongs crashing as we proceeded.

Upon arrival I was to climb the stairs and find my future wife. Two young children held a silk cord at the bottom of the stairs. Two more were at the top. In order to pass I was obliged to give each child a red envelope containing 100 Thai Baht or about two dollars fifty cents.  I crossed the large room of the second floor, met my future wife and escorted her to the area where the first ceremony would be held.

After the guests had climbed the stairs and were seated, a traditional northern Thai ceremony began. The room where this ceremony was held was ornately decorated. Four full size ceramic elephant tusks were on either side of what I called the altar. There were dozens of bouquets of fresh flowers. Nat and I knelt on the floor. Her mother was seated in front of us. The owner of the restaurant acted as the leader of the ceremony. He was also in costume began the ceremony.  The ceremony started with the leader speaking in Thai to the guests. I must confess I didn’t understand a word he said. Following his opening remarks, two women began negotiations with the women holding the sugarcane and banana plant. The sugarcane was meant to provide luck for a happy marriage. The banana plant was for fertility. The negotiations were carried on as if it were a serious affair. I had to pay after the negotiations were complete.

After a bargain had been struck for the plants, I was to present my future mother-in-law with the dowry. The currency had been taken from the bank a day earlier. It was in small bills to make it appear to be a fabulous fortune. Sometimes Thai families will add their own savings to the pile to impress the guests. The money and the gold jewelry were placed in separate bowls adorned with flowers for presentation to Nat’s mother.

It was at this point in the ceremony I made my first mistake. I stood and presented my mother-in-law with the dowry. I was supposed to approach on my knees. The guests ignored my lack of cultural knowledge and the ceremony continued. The bowls containing the dowry were returned to me. I nervously took  Nat’s wedding band from the bowl and tried to place it on her finger. It didn’t want to go. After what seemed like an eternity, actually less than five seconds, it slipped on her finger. My wife then put my wedding band on my left ring finger. She didn’t have as much trouble.

I again approached my mother-in-law who was seated in front of me.  This time I did it right, on my knees. She presented me with a sword. In ancient times the sword was used by a man to defend his wife and family. The sword presentation symbolized my duty to protect my wife. The next event wasn’t a reenactment of an ancient ceremony. Photographs were taken of my wife and me with relatives and guests. The entire process took several minutes.

We moved to another location in the building for the Chiang Mai ceremony. Before the late middle 1700s Siam consisted of several separate kingdoms in much the same way as Britain once did. Chiang Mai was one of those kingdoms.  These kingdoms were unified by King Taksin the Great into the Kingdom of Siam. Siam would later become known as Thailand.  “Thai” means free.

The Chiang Mai ceremony began with my mother-in-law tying a silk cord around my right wrist. She did the same thing to my wife. At the time she did this she blessed for our future happiness. Our grandmother repeated the tying of a silk cord around our wrists. We then moved behind the altar. The leader passed a long silk cord that was connected to a flower arrangement across the altar placing it between he thumb and forefinger of our praying hands.

We remained in this position for what sometimes seemed like an hour. A Thai women sang a song she ad-libbed telling the story of our relationship. I didn’t understand what she said at the time but I could tell she was good at this. She sang about me coming from far across the ocean to marry my wife. She told the story of my wife’s birth and a mother’s love as she raised her child. I looked at my wife. Tears were streaming down her face. Mom and Grandma were crying too as were most of the Women. Just before the song ended the leader took the long silk cord from our hands. Then guests came forward two by two to tie silk cords around our wrists and give us their blessing.

When the last guest has completed tying the silk cord, we moved to the floor. My wife and I were given a ceramic bottle containing water. We poured this water into another ceramic vessel in the shape of a boat.  My wife tells me this is to ask forgiveness for our sins in the past life and he present. After the boat shaped container was moved away, we began what can be best described as the Thai version of the husband and wife feeding each other cake. There was a tray of different confections and small plate of garlic. Each of these confections had symbolized a different aspect of our future life together. The garlic was supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Nat did not take the garlic because her religion’s dietary laws forbid it.

Next we moved to another room. In this room was an antique canopy bed. Nat and I kneeled in the center of the bed. The guests then wished us luck and happiness. There was another round of picture taking and then we left for the reception below. We were led by a creature that can be best described as the body of a goat and the head of a cow with deer antlers. The Burmese Hill Tribe girl who was employed as a caregiver for grandma became excited when she saw the creature. It was from her culture’s mythology. She told us his name which I no longer remember and was delighted to see he was part of our ceremony.  The actors who operated this creature were very talented. He could even wag his tail. He was also very good at taking twenty baht bank notes in his mouth and swallowing them with a loud clack, clack, clack. How the actors could remain in the cramped position needed to operate the creature is beyond me.

The guests were seated for the reception dinner and floor show. When Nat and I had eaten, we made rounds to every table. Each guest was presented with a copy of a book about our wedding. This book is somewhat similar to a program that guests might receive at a church. Some guests presented us with red envelopes containing money. In Thailand money gifts in red envelopes are usually given in lieu of wedding presents. A relative accompanied us carrying the box with the wedding books. Another carried a large silver bowl to collect the red envelopes.

The reception floor show lasted several hours. We were treated to Thai dancing, a traditional knife dance and acts from Thai history and culture. At the end of the show my Nat and I waited by the exit to thank the guests for their attendance and see them off.

At the end of the evening one of my wife’s cousins drove us to our apartment. He assisted us in moving my wife’s clothing into our new home. Before he left, he did something that made me feel, despite the differences in our religion and culture, I was accepted. He reached for my hand, looked me in the eyes and warmly said in fluent English, “You have married a wonderful girl. I want you to know you are now our family too.”

Valentine’s Day and White Day in Korea, Japan, and America

I arrived in Korea in late February, after celebrating Valentine’s Day in America. I soon learned about White Day, celebrated on March 14th in Korea. This is not a recognizable day in America, but in Korea White day is an important part of the cutlure. To celebrate White Day, men normally buy women candy and lucky men will take one special lady out to dinner. White Day is also celebrated in Japan.

On Valentine’s Day in Korea, women buy chocolate for men. On a Valentine’s Day date, the man might be expected to pay for dinner or the couple might split the bill. Like in Korea, in Japan, women normally buy chocolate for the men in their lives. In addition to buying chocolate for certain men, many Japanese women buy chocolate for themselves: “There’s been a trend the past two or three years for women to buy chocolates for themselves, as a sort of pat on the back for having worked hard,” said a Takashimaya department store spokeswoman

In the United States, men typically give cards, flowers, and or chocolates to women on Valentine’s Day. Cards often ask “Will you be my Valentine?”. An American man is expected to do something romantic for his wife or girlfriend.

An authentic “where to host a bachelor party in Manhattan” conversation

I recently read a message board conversation about where to have a bachelor party in New York City (Manhattan). I thought that the question (which included lap dances) and the answers (which focused on strip clubs) had something to show us about New Yorkers’ attitudes toward bachelor parties. Here’s the conversation:

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British and American dating habits

Speaking with various British people I know has made me aware of some differences between dating culture in the US and dating culture in England.

Where to pick someone up

In America, a bar is the first choice for many young people who want to pick up members of the opposite sex. This normally includes eye contact and a smile, a bought drink, and maybe a little conversation. However, in England, pubs are a place to meet up with friends and drink.

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Weddings in the Philippines contrasted with Amercan wedding culture

Centuries old Wedding traditions and wonderful Philippine customs make Filipina Weddings (Kasalan) some of the most beautiful wondrous celebrations on earth. The Filipino culture’s high regard for the sanctity of Marriage has given the Philippine Wedding Ceremony many customs and traditions that will be new to Americans.

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Jungle Fever

Jungle Fever was directed by Spike Lee and is rated R. Wesley Snipes plays an African-American architect from Harlem and Annabella Sciorra plays an Italian-American woman from Bensonhurst in this movie about interracial romance in America.

I never saw it when it came out in 1991, but I certianly heard about it. In my predominantly white school the phrase “jungle fever” even became a slang term. For example one white boy might say ”You have jungle fever” to another white boy. It meant “You find black women attractive” and was a kind of accusation that would be denied.

I’ve seen it since, and while not one of my favorite movies, it does have some powerful scenes. I would say that it is worth watching once. 

Mississippi Masala

Mississippi Masala was released in 1992 on Columbia TriStar Home Home Entertainment. It was made by Mira Nair Films and rated R for sensuality and language. I watched it in a film class during my first year of college.

Mississippi Masala is about African American Demetrius (Denzel Washington), and an Indian woman, Mina (Sarita Choudhury). This intercultural relationship draws out the anger of their families and communities. They find a way to be togther but they have to overcome a lot of negative attitudes in the process.

While I don’t consider this a classic (I never did watch it a second time) if you happen to see it in your video or DVD rental store, I think it is worth watching once.

Dating and Marriage customs in Northern India

India has much diversity in terms of cultures and religions. Dating habits differ widely in all these areas. People in North India, spanning from Jammu province to Central Indian states Delhi and Uttar Pardesh (zone 2 on the map) call themselves an ‘Aryan’ race, and believe they are a racially superior warrior class.



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Bachelor and stag parties

A bachelor party (also called a stag party, stag night (UK), or bucks party (Australia)) is a party held for a bachelor shortly before he is married. This is typically the soon-to-be-husband’s last party as a single man.

The stereotype is that the man to be married engages in activities a new wife might not approve of and mnay bachelor parties involve going to strip clubs or hiring female strippers or escorts.

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Swinging defined

Swinging, sometimes referred to in North America as the swinging lifestyle or simply the lifestyle (although this simplified term is also used by people into Leather and BDSM), includes a wide range of sexual activities conducted between three or more people. Swinging activities can include having sex with a partner while being watched; watching others have sex (perhaps with the above mentioned partner); kissing, stroking, or having oral sex with a third or fourth person (called soft swinging); or having penetrative sex with someone other than one’s partner (Full Swap), which is the commonly understood definition of swinging.

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Cultural Mosaic

Different groups have different dating cultures and there can be many different groups with different customs in one country. For this reason, no article can completely describe a country’s dating culture. Each article should be considered one small piece of the cultural mosaic.

The articles about dating culture from regular people. Our authors include an accountant living in Canada who was born in India, an American man who got married in the Phillipines, and other regular people. We encourage you to read the articles and add yourknowledge and expereince to the mosaic by leaving comments.

Physical intimacy: A comparison of expectations held by young Korean and American adults

In this paper I’m going to summarize what my 18-25 year-old Korean university students have told me about Korean dating culture and compare that with my experiences and experiences that American friends have told me about regarding the high school and college dating scenes. It should be noted that I went to high school in the suburbs of New Jersey and university in Hempstead, Long Island (New York). My friends are from New York and New Jersey. My students were primarily from Seoul or nearby cities like Bucheon. Some were from other cities like Incheon, Daegu, or smaller cities.

I first realized that the culture of physical intimacy might be very different in Korean and America while discussing gestures and expressions with an intermediate English conversation class. The text had a picture of a man kissing a woman on the cheek and I asked students if that’s how close friends might say good bye in Korea. My shocked students told me no. I asked them when such a gesture might be used and was told only between lovers. When I asked them how long a couple had to be dating before a kiss on the cheek the first response was “Two months!”

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Divorce and Child Custody in Thailand

 Post marriage, Thai ladies prefer peace to ambition if it comes at the cost of conflicts. Separation in Thai Society is not very painful without involving much acrimony, property is divided equally, and the children may accompany either parent. The choice of parent who would keep custody of child is generally by consensus or mutual agreement and in most cases; it is the mother who keeps it. However, in specific cases keeping in mind aspiration of either party, custody is decided. Family background as to who will be able to bring up the child better, future aspirations of the boy or girl as to whether if or whom the person wants to marry after divorce and economic factors are dominant in arriving at such decision. In Thai Society, family values have great influence; therefore, in case of dispute of custody, elders in both family intervene and decide. Rarely, a dispute of custody is decided by courts. 

This article on Thai dating culture was written by R S Chawla, a 43-year-old male accountant from India who has traveled in 14 different countries with a passion for understanding various cultures. The author now lives in Canada and last traveled to Thailand in 2005. He also visited in 2002 and 2004 and has spent a total of about 30 days in Thailand. While staying in Bangcock in 2004, Mr. Chawla befriended an English speaking taxi driver. The two became friends, and Mr Chawla stayed a night in the taxi driver’s apartment, which was just outside of Bangkok near a canal that stunk so bad it was hard to breathe. There, the taxi driver and his wife, guided him a lot so that he could have a better understanding Thai people and Thai culture.

Physical Intimacy in Thai Dating Culture

Thai ladies are monogamous, usually virgins and usually shy. During dating they are very sensitive to acts that may affect their reputation and status. Though, it may be changing now, very few Thai girls opt for discrete sexual experiences during dating. During the initial phase of dating, absolutely no going to bed, not even hugging tight, just close sitting or simple touching would do.
 
Touching while sitting close is a passionate expression, However, there would be no touching of legs (at least definitely not during the first dates), breasts or other private parts (including bottoms). Generally hands are held and clasped. In Thailand, the head area is considered very pious, you can not touch the head or hair of a lady against her wishes. A boy has to instill confidence in the lady that it is serious and not just flirting.

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Dating Culture in Thailand

Before deliberating on dating culture and customs in Thailand, it must be understood that no single dating culture exists and the culture changes from area to area.
 
Thai dating customs are largely coming out of the expectations in Thai society. Thai people expect a spouse to respect the partner’s family. In some ways, then, you do not just date your partner but practically the entire extended family.  There are many expectations, financial and otherwise, that Thais have for someone who wishes to become part of the family, and some of these expectations reveal themselves in dating behavior.

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