Date Culture

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American man trying to rekindle relationship with Korean American ex-girlfriend

10th May 2006

Here’s an interesting thread from a football message board. As far as I can tell, all the participants are male.

Doug: Before I begin I need to give all of the background facts because this is a very complicated situation. It’s best to start with my last girlfriend. I started dating my previous girlfriend my sophomore year of high school up to the summer before I left for college. She was a year behind so I decided to spend that year in San Antonio going to UTSA after which I would transfer to Texas.

Well as fate would have it we broke up about two weeks before class started and obviously I was very hurt since it was my first breakup. Now every single one of my good friends left San Antonio and I am a shy person so I basically was completely alone while I was dealing with this breakup. I ended up staying home all the time except for class and I found ways to keep myself from going crazy by playing games online. It eventually got to the point where I did not even want to go out anymore and was content with where I was.

In November I met my last girlfriend whom I dated for two and a half years. I was still in the mindset of staying home all the time and having a girlfriend made it that much easier for me. As time went on, this problem became worse and worse. I stopped caring about just about everything including school. It got to the point where this last semester I would not go out even if my girlfriend was throwing a party. I went out maybe once a week and that would be for dinner with my girlfriend, lets call her S. So obviously S could not take it and she broke up with my in April.

Now even though I was in this state, I did always treat S well. I would spoil her and do almost everything I could to make her happy, except go out. I would also like to remind you that she is from a Korean family where tradition if important. For example they really want her to marry a Korean if possible and she isn’t to have sex before she is married. Well the second part did not happen LOL.

So we broke up and for me I hit rock bottom. Even though it was about a month and a half ago, I have completely changed my life around and started doing all the things I used to do like work out, party, read, never watch TV, and all of that.

Now this is where the problem starts. Last Saturday S called so that we could exchange some of the stuff we still had of each others like she had my camera and I had her sunglasses and key. When we started talking she was obviously sad about something. I talked to her about it and she was telling me she was having guy problems. For example, she had/has a crush on this guy named Lee and they went to a formal a while ago. After the formal they were in the car and he said something like, “I’m sorry I’m taking this so slow” meaning the relationship. S then says, “That’s ok I like where we are.” meaning it is ok that they are taking it slow but he took it another way and hasn’t talked to her since.
She also has another guy she has been talking to for about a week and she has a crush on him as well as he likes her. The problem there is he has a girlfriend up in Dallas and they were talking about getting married so obviously she is trying to back out. The point is she was sad about her situation.

After we talked about this I wanted to make her feel better so I went over to her place to exchange the stuff and we started talking about how we’ve been. I convince her to come to my apartment because since she left I changed a lot of things and I wanted her opinion. She was telling me how stressed she was so I started giving her a massage and things went from there as in we ended up having sex.

Afterwards she kept saying how she could not be with me again because she went through so much when we were together and after we broke up. I understood that because when we broke up she told me that if we were ever to get back together it would have to take a long time because she needed to see that I am not the same person I was when we dated which I am not.

So afterwards we talk more and I tell her that I’m looking for a church and she invited me to go to a Korean church with her on Sunday which did not end up happening because we both were up late at different parties. Then I tell her that if she wanted I will go dancing with her and she invited me to go with her next Saturday after her last final.

So I drove her home afterwards and we ended up doing our own thing. I saw her again on Sunday night when a friend of mine gave me some brownies from his work and I thought S would enjoy them as a study break so I brought them over to her at the university. Then on Monday I wanted to give her a nice meal so I cooked her favorite meal at her house and made a very romantic setting.

Now my question is, what should I be doing? I obviously still care for her a lot and want her back but I do not want to be so aggressive that I push her away. What kind of balance should I be looking for? I also think it’s important to know that when we did break up she told me that because of the type of person I was she did not love me anymore, but obviously we would not have hooked up on Saturday if there weren’t any feelings left.

As for me, I have made the changes in my life to not revert back to who I was. I have gone out almost every night with friends since the break up, starting working out again, as well as I have become more motivated then ever to be a doctor. All of this was started by the breakup but it is not because of the breakup. I actually took the breakup really well and really did not feel really hurt except for my ego. This all came about after seeing her on Saturday.

Thanks for reading through and please feel free to share your thoughts. I can use all the advice I can get right now.

BTW – I did talk to all of my friends but they have never been in a situation like this before.

The replies were pretty interesting with some suggesting total honesty, some suggesting more sex, and some suggesting that the ex-girlfriend was nothing but trouble.

Don: Get her drunk, take her home, and nail her. Friend-type awkwardness will be replaced by a whole new breed of awkwardness.

John: If she is already viewing you as a “friend” and talking to you about other dudes, you are probably already past the point of no return, where you have little to no shot with her. Start dating other women and make sure she’s knows about them, that’s your best shot.

Peter: Very simple: Put your best foot forward and if she likes what she sees, she’ll give it another chance. If not, it was never meant to be. It’s easy to say but hard to do but that is usually the bottom line in any relationship. Good luck amigo

Clams: Dude, stop being such a sap and forget about this rocky relationship, because it sounds like it will never work. You’re her beackup plan….stupid! Deal with it get over it and get out there and party. These are supposed to be the best years of your life….stop wasting your freakin time pining away after your high school sweetheart. Reality check…..helllooooooo….SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!!

Mighty: You are already back in there. Just keep doing what you are doing. Go out somewhere with her at least twice a week and do other things with friends and casually mention some of those things to show you are over that hermit stage. Find a way to bring out that you are working harder with your goal of being a doctor. And most importantly keep banging it out.

Life: Be careful. I mean the real question is what do you want – having your cake and eating it too is not the answer. If you want to go out with her, then follow through on that path. If you want to be freinds, then you can’t sleep with her – it is okay for dudes, but for most women (regardless of what they say), they get attached once they sleep with someone.

It sounds to me that this relationships is comfortable and you are still looking for something else when you go with her. You are more motivated for your career and your buddies when not going out with her. I just think you are not ready for a serious relationship and if you were, then you wouldn’t be having all of these questions. Last point – you can only go to the “freind who happens to be a sleeping buddy” well so many times – take it from me – it will eventually blow up on you and create resentment.

Lawyer: Here is the deal, you can’t worry about “staying friends” with girls you “like”. Its contrary to what most people think, but becoming “friends” with a girl is NOT A GOOD WAY TO BOINK HER. Becoming “friendly” with a girl can be a nice step towards that, since you demonstrate that you are interesting, funny, and charming. But once you get to the “sharing feelings” stage, it’s too late to be the “friend”. I don’t want to say you can NEVER segue from friend to boinker, but its rare and generally fails. That said, if you really want to give it a try, give it a try. Tell her you think you’re the right guy for her, and invite her out to a nice restaurant. But you can’t be worried about screwing up your friendship in that case. In fact, your friendship is already screwed up (you want to boink her) so you’re better off putting that out in the open.

J: you could just tell her how you feel. Explain that when you were dating you were going through a rough patch. Tell her you have since straightened yourself out and now realize what a good thing you passed on. Tell her you owe it to yourselves to give it another try. Being straight forward is the best way to go about these things.

Don: Just keep nailing her as much as you can. This is obviously not going to work out in the long run. So try to do some dirty stuff with her. Try to do the types of things that you would not want to do with your future wife.

Jimmy: If your going to be girlfriend/boyfriend that’s fine. Being friends, with former girlfriends is not good. I went down that road a few years ago and looking back, the best thing that happened for me was her moving away.

SEC: John is right. She’ll string you along as long as it takes because she is a girl that desperately needs attention. Some women are like that, they constantly need people around them fawning over them. Move on, find yourself another MaryJane Rottencrotch and S will be all over you like stink on a monkey. The more nice things you do for her and the more devoted you get the less she will do in return. She will do just enough to keep you guessing and more importantly keep you around.

Hassan: Strong advice. This gal is acting confused. What she SAYS means little. She did hook up with you. So what I would do if I was you: go out, meet other girls, and ignore her. Wait for her to call you next. You are squarely plan B right now. Quite frankly, its disrespectful of her to bring up other guys she likes. She also knows she’s got you in her back pocket. The only way to change all that is to send her the signal you are not going to put up with it. And, DON’T discuss other guys with her.

SEC said it best. Its a classic string along, nice gestures will accomplish the exact OPPOSITE of what you want to do.

John: Bingo. What a woman SAYS means nothing. Her ACTIONS are the proof. Sleeping with you, unfortunately, is another act of confusion on her part. STOP being overly nice to this girl, it rarely ever brings a man what he wants with a woman. She’s going to give you the boot as soon as she finds the next guy, and he will be along soon.

Hassan: And finally, having been there myself, this girl does not sound worthy of your attention. Anyone who strings you along is pretty self-centered, seems like that may be the case here. Once you break up, no friendship. And a decent girl won’t break up with you then keep trying to get your attention afterwards.
Blue: Her parents want her to marry a Korean. Even if things work out (marriage), they won’t work out. Plus, you report she has already had other guy problems, you are soon to be another guy problem. You are obviously young, time to move on.

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