Date Culture

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Do married men get a hypothetical free pass?

23rd September 2010

This question was posed on a football message board. Read the question briefly and then make sure you understand it by summarizing the man’s problem:

My lovely wife and I were watching Mad Men the other evening when she turned to me and asked, “If John Hamm is my free pass, who is yours?” Now after 25 years of marriage I think I know a trap when I see one, so I hesitated and demurred, but then she gave me a hard time about dodging the question. So I ask you, what is the proper response to such a question from one’s wife?

These are some of the answers American men offered. Some are serious and some are jokes. This is authentic language so many will contain real English that you may not know because they don’t teach it in textbooks. Which answer makes sense to you? Which of the joke answers is funniest?

Say her best friend, her sister, or her mom. Pick whichever one you like least because if you’re lucky she may just stop inviting that person over when you’re around.

You should have turned the tables on her and asked her why she felt the need to sleep with anyone else because she is the only one for you. Instead of trapping you, your wife just trapped herself. Tell her, “What do you mean free pass?” Get up, walk away and do the same kind of passive aggressive shit she’d do to you if you’d answered that question until she ends up apologizing to you. Two can play that game.

You’ve been married 25 years and you’re laying “traps” for each other? Sounds like a hell of an institution. Congratulations. Once you marry them, they own you and behave accordingly. Oh well. It’s a pretty transparent scam and anyone who falls for it deserves what he gets.

She went first and said a guy – that is your out. If she said, “honey, who would be your free pass?” that is a trick question. You have to get her choice out there first. That is your ace in the hole if any argument starts over you picking someone.

Haha, you don’t actually think John Hamm would sleep with you, do you?

This shows you how marriage messes guys up. She tells you she wants to nail another guy and you’re worried about offending her?

Say Angelina Jolie and plant the idea of a threesome in your wife’s mind. Straight women even have a strange attraction to her. Get a 3sum fantasy going and then milk it for all it’s worth.

It’s her trying to add some spice to your love life. Just open up and run with it. What’s the worst thing that can happen? Answer it, but in the realm of ludicrousness. Megan Fox is OK, but not that new girl in accounting – she’s too real. It’s just fantasy stuff nothing to be worried about.

If you’re feeling frisky, pretend you’re actually thinking about it and then tell her that since your wife is smoking like Angelina Jolie, you’d use your free pass on someone else. Keep knocking off candidates. Not Scarlett Johannsen, ’cause your wife already gives you that smart and sexy thing. In a few minutes you will be hitting it.

Tell her someone who is already dead – for example Marliyn Monroe. Or pick someone who used to be hot and around your wife’s age like Deborah Harry or Diane Lane.

Honey, I used my pass 25 years ago. Wait, we only get one?

I’d never name a “free pass.” No such thing, even in theory. I know my wife has crushes (Antonio Banderas, Russell Crowe among them), and she knows my “girlfriends” (Penelope Cruz, Michele Pfeiffer). I usually mention that I wouldn’t ever want to sleep with them … too much work. And since that’s believable, I’m all set. 🙂

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